Foregone Conclusions

you were too busy steering the conversation toward the lord
to hear the voice of the spirit begging you to shut the fuck up
you thought it must be the devil trying to make you go astray
besides it couldn't have been the lord because you don't believe he talks that way
too close to call yet
still so tightly wound around our foregone conclusions

These lyrics have been floating around my mind all week, and offending me the whole time... but in a good and challenging way. There's so much clutter in Christendom these days, especially with the recent inundation of "Emergent" and "counter-Emergent" literature. That's just the area I've experienced this clutter in (not to mention the thousands of Christian blogs floating around, which this is one of)... there's also been an overabundance of easy-Christianity for years, since Billy Graham brought conversion to the living room and local stadium.

This isn't to point fingers by any means... because just about all of us go to church to hear a 30 minute sermon spoken to us every singe week. Jesus's Sermon on the Mount takes about 20 minutes to read out loud all the way through, and that was the most influential sermon in history... why do we feel the need to say so much more than Jesus did? Didn't he say that his disciples would be known by their actions (or fruits)? When are we going to "walk the walk"?

Time Flies When You're Having Fun... Or Not

November is upon us, and for that matter is almost half over. I realized this the other day, and thought about how quickly 2008 has gone by. For that matter, I thought about how fast time has gone by since I graduated high school. There are a few people who I graduated with who I've either maintained contact with or have been able to follow through social-networking sites; and I must say, my graduating class of 6 people has churned out an interesting bunch.

One girl I graduated with chose to pursue modeling, rather than a college education (something I was somewhat disappointed with, considering she was an honors student). I must say she's had some success, though, and now owns a $2.6 million home in New Mexico, not at the cost of her dignity though, as her photos suggest that she has her foot firm in the doorway of the porn industry and has made no indication that she doesn't intend to fully step through. Sort of a Pyrrhic victory - she's incredibly financially successful and admired by many... but at what cost? She's valued strictly for her body, but she lacks both the character and available community that so make life worth living. I imagine that, if she would first admit it to herself, she would confide a deep sense of loneliness to anyone willing to listen.

Another girl I graduated with, who happens to go to APU with me, I found out a couple weeks ago is a recovering addict. We both felt a sense of pride as she showed me her first 30-day chip, which declared her sobriety, dangling from her key chain. A week after that conversation, her boyfriend proposed to her, and they're now engaged to be married. I can't help but sense the presence of redemption and hope when I think of how far she's come.

As for me, I'm getting ready to graduate college, and hopefully serve a group of people in Chicago who I would not hesitate to call "the least of these" - as they are ostracized among the homeless community.

That's where half of my graduating class of six is, only three and a half years later! I can't help but wonder where the other three are, and where they're headed...

Thou Shall Not Share?: Pondering the Ethics of Piracy

The issue of piracy has been on my mind lately... More appropriately, the notion of intellectual property, considering that it's impossible to remain intellectually honest in trying to develop a theology that circumvents the law of the land when that law is not in direct opposition to the Gospel Message. But aside from royalties being part of the law, is the idea of intellectual property really consistent with the values Christians are supposed to hold?

When looking at file-sharing through the eyes of the 8th Commandment, it's important not to jump to conclusions. It's important to first understand that in order to steal something, that thing must be steal-able. That means that, in the act of stealing, the original owner is then deprived of what was once rightfully theirs, which is not necessarily true when it comes to the duplication and distribution of copies of information. Sure, this breaks down when one considers the amount of time and effort that goes into generating most intellectual property (e.g. the millions of dollars it takes to film a movie or record and master an album, or even to write a book). To deprive an artist or software author the wages for their hard work is clearly to deprive them of payment for their work, which would be stealing. But then the question arises, are the royalties that people continuously profit from different in nature from the one-time pay of a carpenter to build a chair. Would it be different if the carpenter was paid a certain amount each and every time I sat in the chair? Does the consumer have a right to sit in the chair and examine it before he buys it? Does he have the same right to listen to the CD or watch the movie before he decides to pay for the personal rights to own the movie?

Early theologians held the view that a person's thoughts or reflections did not belong to him. Augustine argued that the truth can belong to no one, and since all theological efforts were pointing to God, then what man can lay claim to his own theological contribution? In the same way, if all musicians (ideally) are in pursuit of making good music and contributing that music to the betterment of society, then how can they withhold the contribution they've intended to make for society. Have we so capitalized our own thoughts that we are no longer willing to contribute freely to society without expectation and even demand of ongoing payment? Do we really participate in a religion where the most widely used translations of our ancient, sacred, "God-breathed" texts are bound by intellectual copyrights, with continuous royalties amounting to millions are consistently being paid to those who translated it?

The so-called "Hacker Ethic" of pirates is one of Open Source. It says that all information should be free information, and that anyone should be able to contribute to the betterment of that information so we can literally work together to make the best of all that we do in society. It says that less fences makes for better neighbors, because once you take the fence away, then you have a bigger lawn; get a few more neighbors, and soon you've got a park. Sure, that sounds a bit Marxist and overly idealist, but what higher calling is there than to hopeful idealism? There's already a huge draw toward ad-supported services that pay royalties through advertising revenues, while remaining monetarily cost-free to the consumer (albeit the consumer opts to expose himself to a few more ads, but what's that on top of the 5,000 that the average American is exposed to everyday, right?)

I don't see a reason why a theology of breaking down walls and sharing everything in common shouldn't extend to intellectual property, especially if we're to serve God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength... (is it possible that we only serve our wallet with our mind?). This should be especially true in Christian circles when it comes to works of theology, Bible translations, and even/especially teaching curricula. Would these resources really cease to exist if we didn't capitalize them? My guess is that we would see a huge jump in the quality and a substantial reduction in quantity, because the number of people who contribute for recognition and financial gain would cease to hog the spotlight, and the people who contribute out of sheer conviction and service to God and society would flourish.

Anyways, there's my two cents, free of charge, of course ;)

(Also, I think that if I ever do publish a book in the distant future, I'll probably waive my copyrights allow for the honeypot distribution where people will pay if they want to... I like that idea)

I'm not a receptacle of knowledge

Believe it or not, amid all of the busyness and stress of my schedule, I've actually had a few things on my mind that weren't simply implanted by professors or class discussions. Even I have trouble imagining how I can have any kind of original thoughts in the midst of merely trying to manage my day.

Anyways, the thought came across my mind the other day as to whether academia simply wants be to be a receptacle of knowledge and intellection, or if it actually intends for me to be a steward of the knowledge I already have. See, as much as I enjoy academia and all that it has to offer, I can't help but think that it's all ultimately very circular. Is the system really working if the best and brightest only go on to further contribute to the system, and few if any ever really do anything with the knowledge they've so richly invested in?

Is a church really doing it's job if congregants just keep coming back week after week for some more good preachin'?

Perhaps it's because I'm discovering a niche and passion I have for recovery ministry and helping those who have fallen prey to addiction, but I'm increasingly having a difficult time seeing myself pursuing further education without actually doing something with what I've already been given. Maybe this is the parable of the talents playing out in my own life, I'm not sure... but I do know that I would be doing a disservice to myself if I pursued a graduate education (which I do hope to accomplish sometime in my life) before I could say that I've been faithful with the knowledge and guidance that I already have. I don't want to be the guy with a master's degree who writes books that only other ministry students will read, my ministry cannot only be to ministers, because that too would be a circular system.

There's always more to learn, and there's always more preparation that can be be done, but at what point do I step out on faith into the mission field, and rely fully on the guidance of this mysterious Creator and Redeemer of the world who I've come to know (sort of) and love?

On The Edge of Burnout

Can I petition for a 25th hour of the day, or an 8th day of the week?

I'm beginning to realize that my current schedule is not sustainable. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are 12-14 hour days between interning at the church and going to classes, Thursday's I'm in class from 8am-4pm, Friday's I'm at work at the architecture firm from 9am-5pm, and Sundays I'm at the church from 7:30am-12:30pm. Mind you, this is before I've done the reading for my 18 units of classes or any homework. That essentially leaves the Thursday evening, Friday during the slow times at work, all of Saturday and the last half of Sunday to catch up for the week.

This weekend I attended a mandatory retreat with APU on Friday and Saturday. They graciously offered to waive any class absences I would have received on Friday (of which there were none, although I did miss 8 hours of work and the opportunity to do homework), and Saturday we got back at a modest 10:00pm. I wasn't able to get to sleep last night until 1:30 because I was really sick and jittery, so I got about 4 hours of sleep. Today I remembered that we had our monthly Jr High party from 6-8pm, which I was prepared for. What I wasn't prepared for was the impromptu pool party immediately after church that went until 4:30, so I worked 12 hours with a one-hour break in the middle on a day I would normally have for homework.

It's 9:05 right now, and in 20 minutes I have a meeting for a group presentation that's tomorrow, and I'm too burnt to be able to contribute anything significant to the group. I haven't been able to read any assignments for class except on Saturdays and Sunday afternoons for the last two weeks, which means I haven't read enough to attend any of my classes fully prepared. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can cut out of my schedule, since my internship is required for school and I don't do anything else.

Tomorrow I start my 3 consecutive 12-hour days over again.

We're All Responsible

I was recently part of a discussion group in which we dialogued about the nature of sin and responsibility, and the conclusion we eventially came to was this: We're all responsible for each others' sins.

It was an alarming conclusion that we came to that night as we gathered around to discuss Dostoevsky's work, The Brothers Karamazov. It seems, on the surface, to be a rather outrageous statement; are we to be held responsible for the wrongdoings of the people around us? I have to admit, I was about ready to shut out the rest of the conversation and keep to myself until we moved on. Fortunately, I engaged the topic.

What's at the heart of the word "responsible"? Response. In being responsible, we're called to respond to the sins of one another.

That can be taken extremely legalistically, and we can easily "point out the specks in the eyes" of everyone else. The problem is that the American church has approached the problem of sin in a very juridical way - we've broken the law, and now we need to be justified. See, the rest of Christendom (a fancy name for the Church), sees sin as a sort of disease, or a brokenness that we suffer, and thus they see the redemptive work of God as more of a healing process than as some divine legal acquittal that we experience through the substitution of Christ. So if we begin to see sin as a state of brokenness, rather than focusing on merely the act of wrongdoing, the way we interact with each other changes drastically.

In saying that we are responsible for each others' sins, we are called to respond [in love] to the brokenness of those around us.

Love Wins.

Where are our priorities?

I was watching CNN the other day, and it was the first glimpse I had of what's going on in Haiti. Trucks filled with bags of rationed rice, surrounded by soldiers armed with automatic weapons, further surrounded by rounds and rounds of razor wire. Children and old women who haven't eaten in days are pushed by the crowd into the razor wire, and soon become entangled in it. And off to the side of these people are the restaveks. They are child laborers, sold into slavery and hardly noticed. They are easy prey for exploitation, they're beaten, sexually abused, and frequently denied access to education. These restaveks wait off at the side of the crowd and literally search for scraps of food that fall from the relief packs given to everyone else.

In a matter of seconds, CNN transitioned ever-so-naturally to a more important topic: Sarah Palin's first TV interview since she was chosen as McCain's running mate.

Could our priorities be any more fucked up?

Are you more concerned that I just said "fuck" than you are that there are thousands of starving and abused children in Haiti?

I should probably explain my choice of wording... I don't think our culture has any phrase more suited to communicate such a strong distortion of justice and convey that deep level of brokenness. We live in a desperately broken world, and our main priorities are on our "struggling" economy (which is still among the most affluent in the world), and how much "better" our own country will be after the upcoming election (which we feel is of the utmost importance to cover every minutiae of the candidates' campaigns).

On a side note, even the news coverage of Hurricane Ike centered primarily on Post-Katrina politics. I don't understand why human tragedies never amount to more than the political soup du jour...

Peace Without Comfort

This paradox has been on my mind quite a bit these past few days (arguably months) - the idea of a peace that might be totally distinct from comfort. I'm sure this divine peace most likely applies to situations of physical and emotional discomfort as well... but in my case it applies to my theological discomfort.

See, I'm getting ready to enter my senior year of college, and at this point I have more questions about God than answers. I've read a number of different theological systems, and have seemed to identify most with emergent theology, although in a dialectic sort of way (dialectic is simply a fancy college word for "give and take"). I haven't found any system of belief about God that I've fully subscribed to (and I sincerely fear that the day I do is the day I've traded the mysterious God who somehow reveals Himself and escapes my understanding at the exact same moments for the God-philosophy that uses God as a mere explanation for the way the world around us works).

The problem with my identification with emergent theology is that, because it focuses on relationship and dialogue, and on the spiritual journey as being equally as important as the destination, many traditionally well-defined beliefs are called into question and reexamined... That doesn't leave me with very many answers.

I've also realized over the summer a number of unique challenges I face going into vocational youth ministry that, if I am to succeed at such a career, will require me to completely rethink the way youth ministry is done. The first, which is obvious to anyone who knows me, is that communication is not one of my strengths. I would rather have my teeth pulled than endure the awkwardness of standing in front of a crowd fumbling for the right words to say, even when I have well-outlined notes. The second thing is that I have virtually no natural administrative leadership skills that I'm aware of. I'm not naturally the point-man in a given situation, nor am I necessarily comfortable with the idea of being that person. All in all, I don't really fit the mold of your traditional youth pastor... I can't imagine myself getting up in front of a group several times a week, nor do I think am I a broad enough planner to cover all the bases necessary to plan a large-scale youth event.

So I'm not comfortable with my theology, and I'm not comfortable with my ability to fill the traditional role of a youth pastor, and yet there's a certain peace about it all. The peace is knowing that whatever my theology is or becomes over time, I can say that it developed naturally out of a sincere pursuit of holistic knowledge of Jesus - that is, knowledge that extends beyond intellectual conviction into everyday life and actions; knowledge that permeates a person and changes him from the inside out. And as for youth ministry, fortunately there's a God who chooses old, broken wineskins, and a God who sees my passion to enter into relationship with teenagers and really listen to them. That's the core of youth ministry - it's the end goal, and it's the part I'm most passionate about. I'm hoping to do ministry without all the answers, and that's extremely uncomfortable, but there's a peace in knowing that there's no better way to do it.

The Hotseat

Last night's youth group was an interesting experience. We finished out our current video series and split off into small groups to discuss what the video talked about. We did it a bit differently this week though, and each group leader was given one question, leaving the kids to move freely between groups. I thought it was a great idea until I was asked to discuss with teenagers the prompt of "Sometimes I wonder whether or not God even exists".

At first only two kids came to the group, but within a matter of minutes, there were at least 15 or 20 gathered around, each with different questions and doubts, coming to me alone for answers or guidance.

Why does science always seem to contradict the things that we're supposed to believe as Christians?

There are so many religions, what if I pick the wrong one?

What if Christianity isn't the right religion?

Sometimes I worry that when we die, nothing at all will happen, we'll just be dead... then what will we have lived for?

How do we know the Bible is true, wasn't it written by men?

What about the people who are in Africa who will never even hear about Jesus, will they go to heaven?

If God has mercy on the people who have never heard about him, then why do we send missionaries to evangelize to them? I thought the whole point was that we were trying to save them from Hell, and that responsibility was all on our shoulders. Why do we evangelize then?

Will heaven really be just this cloudy place in the sky where we float around for eternity?

Sometimes I doubt God because I've never had one of those "Aha!" moments I hear people talk about in church.

What about people who don't believe in God because the church has screwed up so badly?

When I see so much suffering in the world, it's hard not to doubt God. It's like, because there's suffering, there is no God, or because there is no God, there's suffering... how can both exist?

These are just some of the questions I was asked in a matter of 45 minutes... fortunately there's a gracious God who loves us in spite of ourselves who I could point to as the answer for life's tough questions.

Finding Redemption In All The Wrong Places

I don't listen to much rap music these days; not because I'm not fond of the genre, but because most of it is stupid (I mean that in the very literal sense of the word). One need look no further than the current Top 10 songs to discover that the "rapper" has abandoned his role as an agent of social change and emerged as a 21st century minstrel, dawning the "bling" that amounts to nothing more than modern day BlackFace to entertain his audiences, all while guided by the profit-driven record companies.

In this sense, the culture of Hip Hop has fallen. It has sold out commercialism and capitalism (I could point to once popular songs written entirely about sneakers or jewel-studded teeth). It is from this state of Fallenness that redemption seems to [super]naturally emerge (how can something that hasn't fallen be redeemed?) I've been reading and interacting with Ricky Ross's blog during the past couple months. He's been attributed with starting the crack epidemic in Los Angeles in the mid-80's. He's finishing out the last year and a half in prison, and the nature of his blog reflects genuine change. He's harnessed his culturally iconic name of "Freeway Ricky Ross" and is using that to gain momentum for his new project. He's started a website that is promoting "genuine" artists who rap for social change. He's marketing "Smart is the new gangsta", and will bring this hopeful and life-affirming art into the mainstream, transforming the Hip Hop Culture into a culture of hope and brighter days.

If you still have doubts about the legitimacy of hope through Hip Hop, watch this old video of Tupac Shakur, who is often portrayed as a mindless and violent thug, and look at the redemption and hope that his lyrics give to women in urban communities...

Time to be critical...

I'm just going to throw this out there: I hate whatever it is that's happened to theology and theologians. I don't know if it's America I should blame, or the internet, or the blogging phenomenon that gives everyone their soapbox to preach from... Whatever it is, I'm admittedly as guilty as everyone else who participates in it.

I hate shallow, pedantic, self-serving and self-sustaining theologies that only serve the purpose of perpetuating themselves (ie, getting so caught up in proving that God exists, as if God has nothing better to do than exist)

I hate theologies that are so concerned with precise doctrine that they choke out spiritual exploration (ie, the "arrived" Christian is one who spends more time with their Bible than with their Creator)

I hate theologies that demand conformity and unanimity rather than unity and a commitment to community.

I hate finger-pointing theologies that concern themselves with the nuances of other theological interpretations rather than addressing real-life issues with the truth of the Gospel.

I hate theologies that allow us to play the role of God, be it in judgment or in determining and asserting truth and lording it over others.

I hate theologies that neglect grace, both in doctrine and in practice.

I hate that the "loudest" Christians often perpetuate an extraordinarily unchristian attitude and worldview to those who are already skeptical of Jesus and the Church.

I hate that I'm guilty of all of these.

I hate coming to grips with the fact that even in practicing and exploring theology, complete reliance on the grace and guidance of God is necessary (and that the lack of reliance is especially disastrous).

I'm too critical. I hope this post doesn't eventually become the reason I'm not hired for a church staff position... haha.

Personality Test Results

I had to take a personality test for work... and the results are in

CONNECTEDNESS

Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries.

INTELLECTION

You like to think. You like mental activity. You like exercising the "muscles" of your brain, stretching them in multiple directions. This need for mental activity may be focused; for example, you may be trying to solve a problem or develop an idea or understand another person's feelings. The exact focus will depend on your other strengths. On the other hand, this mental activity may very well lack focus. The theme of Intellection does not dictate what you are thinking about; it simply describes that you like to think. You are the kind of person who enjoys your time alone because it is your time for musing and reflection. You are introspective. In a sense you are your own best companion, as you pose yourself questions and try out answers on yourself to see how they sound. This introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontent as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceives. Or this introspection may tend toward more pragmatic matters such as the events of the day or a conversation that you plan to have later. Wherever it leads you, this mental hum is one of the constants of your life.

INPUT

You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don't feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It's interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.

ADAPTABILITY

You live in the moment. You don't see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn't mean that you don't have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don't resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.

IDEATION

You are fascinated by ideas. What is an idea? An idea is a concept, the best explanation of the most events. You are delighted when you discover beneath the complex surface an elegantly simple concept to explain why things are the way they are. An idea is a connection. Yours is the kind of mind that is always looking for connections, and so you are intrigued when seemingly disparate phenomena can be linked by an obscure connection. An idea is a new perspective on familiar challenges. You revel in taking the world we all know and turning it around so we can view it from a strange but strangely enlightening angle. You love all these ideas because they are profound, because they are novel, because they are clarifying, because they are contrary, because they are bizarre. For all these reasons you derive a jolt of energy whenever a new idea occurs to you. Others may label you creative or original or conceptual or even smart. Perhaps you are all of these. Who can be sure? What you are sure of is that ideas are thrilling. And on most days this is enough.

First poetry attempt in three years... yippee

I watched the sun set this morning
The rippled reflection oddly more intriguing
Than the very world it showed me
Neither the world reflected
Nor the pond that reflects
Are seen for what they are
In much the same way I've lived
A life too nuanced for words
Faced with words too extravagant for life
Finding a thousand ways to say
I don't know anything

Lessons From Ricky Ross

I've started reading the blog of former drug lord, Ricky Ross. It's interesting to say the least; he's committed his remaining time in prison and his efforts toward education, both for himself and educating others through his blog. Most of his posts deal with urban culture, racial reconciliation, and the dangerous realities of the drug industry (needless to say, they're usually not entirely relevant for a suburban white college student.) Although, in his most recent post, I can say that I learned a genuine lesson. In his post, he discussed BHAG, or "Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals".

"Too often we don't think much of ourselves. We have a tendency to think other people are better than us or born with special ability. And when you think like this, you have a tendency to say, "what the heck," but watch out. We must have a certain level of unreasonable confidence. A confidence to say I can go with what others say they can't."

I think the Church, and society as a whole, has lost sight of what healthy confidence is. There's either a denigrating and restricting sort of humility that views others as having unrealistic capability, or plain arrogance that places that views the self as having special inherent capabilities that no one else has. What would it look like to level the playing field? To set ridiculous goals for ourselves, and know that we can achieve things we doubt? To know that even the successful had to start from the same point that we start from?

I learned a lesson from a drug lord... awesome.

Does Jesus Love Webber?

Is it possible for someone to love Jesus more than Jesus loves them? I would hope that the answer is a definitive NO...

That being said, I just found out that a friend of mine from high school, his nickname was Webber, came out of the closet a couple months ago... He's gay. He also loves Jesus. He was also one of the most spiritual people I knew, in the sense that he was always looking for Jesus. He served in various capacities at church, attended youth group every week, the whole nine yards. He also says that, throughout that whole time, this was a reality that he lived with, and hid from even the closest people in his life for fear of judgment.

I'm reminded of a certain Samaritan woman, she lived with certain realities that she tried to hide for fear of judgment as well. Then this man named Jesus spoke to her (a significant gesture in itself). He proceeded to tell her about the things she's done... She was set free by that act. She raced into town, telling of the man who told her everything she'd done. This was obviously no secret to the people of the town who knew her reputation, but this man had freed her from these haunting realities. He hadn't changed anything, but the things that once haunted her and drove her to seclusion were now the very things she first mentioned when she spoke of her encounter with the Messiah.

So back to the question: does Jesus love Webber? Well, I know that I love Webber, and just about everyone in his life loves him... I can hardly imagine Jesus being among the few who don't love Webber in the realities that he lives with. I can hardly imagine Webber loving Jesus more than Jesus loves him. What I can imagine is Jesus overwhelming him with a love and grace that he can't even come to grips with, because it's that substantial.

iPod Theology

I recently came across a blog whose author identifies himself as "Post-Emergent". It just sounds so cool, doesn't it? The bleeding edge of theology. It seeks not to re-imagine the church, but rather to rediscover it. It makes all prior theologies obsolete (including, oddly enough, the theology it seeks to rediscover). Adapt or be left in the theological stone age. The eternal truths of the Gospel are changing so fast that only the most theologically capable can keep up, while the rest are either dragged along or left to find their spiritual development in Left Behind books and being Purpose Driven.

There's such a huge problem with this. In the ever-developing search for what it means to live with the conviction of who Jesus was and how He lived, we (including/especially myself) have tended to treat theology as the latest consumer gadget. Sure, the last generation of iPods are fine and all, but what about the latest generation and its ability to play videos while making you breakfast and bathing your dog? The latest revision holds the greatest potential. I think we've bought into that myth when it comes to our theology.

Does that mean I'm not going to be "emergent" anymore? No, I think the emerging church and its way of doing things has struck a nerve with my generation and addresses key questions and worldviews that younger generations have, generations who, when asked to conform or leave, will much sooner leave. I think that emergent theology is the best way of communicating and engaging who Jesus was from the existing postmodern worldview the majority of us hold. But the idea of pursuing new theology just to stay on the bleeding edge is ridiculous and entirely inconsistent with the Gospel we seek to articulate.

Even the Rocks Cry Out

If we believe that God is omnipresent - that He exists everywhere and can be found everywhere - then where is He in the midst of the profanity of urban hip-hop culture?

This question has been at the forefront of my mind all week, as I've been taking a one-week intensive course on urban youth ministry.

One of our assignments has been to listen to and dissect the lyrics of various songs by Tupac Shakur. He's best known for his rough language and for "Thug Life". I was obviously skeptical at first... how can songs about "niggaz, bitches, and hoes" have any redemptive message? Well, I have to say, if you can read the lyrics for what they are and look past the language (which is more culturally stigmatized than biblically condemned), then it's very clear that Tupac was a social revolutionary and quite possibly a follower of Jesus. He advocated for the poor and the oppressed, to downtrodden. He sought to reform education (and was actually, as a self-taught high school drop-out, more educated and well-read at the age of 18 then most students entering ivy-league schools).

Luke 19:40-42 says, "Jesus answered, 'I tell you, if these [disciples] were silent, even the stones would shout out.' As he came near and saw the city, he wept over it, saying, 'If you, even you, had only recognized on this day the things that make for peace! But now they are hidden from your eyes.'"

Has the Church's abandonment of the inner-city and failure to engage the urban hip-hop culture caused "even the rocks" - the gangster rappers and "thug lifers" - to cry out for the redemption of the world around them and the ushering in of the kingdom of God? To say that it's "just South Central LA" or "just Chicago" or "just Detroit", and that there's nothing the Church can or should do, goes entirely against the Gospel that we believe in and are obligated to communicate to "all nations" - all cultures, even inner-city cultures. Have the rocks begun to cry out because of our silence?

Some other questions I'm left with: What do we do when the "Jesus" presented to urban cultures in inconsistent with the Jesus of the Gospels? Furthermore, what are we to do when maybe the "Allah" that is presented to urban cultures is more consistent with the Jesus of the Gospels than the "Jesus" they've been presented? If someone in an urban culture joins the Nation of Islam after having been communicated the Jesus of the Gospels with the name "Allah", should we foster and encourage their newfound spirituality, or discount it because it's worshiping Jesus by the wrong name?

I don't know, to be honest. At this point I'm left with more questions than answers...

Those Postmodernists Are Ruining Everything!

What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this. Emergent/Postmodern 82% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 71% Neo orthodox 71% Modern Liberal 54% Classical Liberal 46% Roman Catholic 39% Charismatic/Pentecostal 29% Reformed Evangelical 25% Fundamentalist 21%

The Day Metaphors Took Over...

I've come to an interesting place where I feel like I've lost the crossroad between theology and spirituality. I was talking to one of my mentors the other day about this and he offered me an interesting metaphor...

Living out your faith is a lot like driving a car. You can drive for 100,000 miles and still know nothing about the car that you drive. The only indicators you have that something is wrong are little red lights, which can easily be missed, and when the whole car dies due to neglect. When something goes wrong and you know nothing about your car, no matter how much you've driven, you're still ultimately at someone else's mercy. Being a student of theology is like learning to be a mechanic. You learn the ins-and-outs of the inner-workings of the car, and not only can you interpret the little red lights, but you can hear the varying sounds of the engine, you can not only sense when something isn't right, but you can diagnose and even correct the problem at times.... The problem is when you forget how to drive in the process of becoming a mechanic.

Another metaphor that has stuck out to me recently is this:

All bread, no water.

Simple, I know. But I feel like, while I've had no shortage of substance, of nuggets to chew on and think about, and the intellectual aspect of my faith is flourishing... There's still no refreshing stream of life. There's no fresh and revitalizing source of Life that is constantly flowing and always available to me. I'm beginning to understand the words that Jesus spoke in a new way, "Man cannot live on bread alone." We always make the distinction between physical bread and spiritual water... but what if the same is true for the distinction between spiritual bread and spiritual water? After going for a while without water, adding more bread will only make your mouth drier.

I don't want to leave this on a downer, because it's not. Every pastor I've talked to has said that going through the frustrations I am and asking the questions I'm asking is an essential part of becoming a pastor. It's encouraging, but sucks at the same time.

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary: pure and holy, tried and true.

What does it mean to be a sanctuary? A place of safety and refuge. The inmost and holiest part of the Church. What does it mean to ask God to prepare us to be that? I think I'll explore this a little later...

Not a Part of Your Society

I had an interesting youth culture experience on Friday night. I know of no better way to preface it. My adolescent culture & evangelism class required me to "observe adolescents" in their natural environments for a total of four hours. One could easily complete this task by visiting the local Starbucks on a Saturday afternoon or sitting on a bench in the mall for an extended period. For some reason, I felt like the mall kids and Starbucks drinkers are already reached out to enough, why not go some place a bit more marginalized?

I soon found myself at the Showcase Theater; a local venue for adolescents to see their favorite underground heavy metal bands. Before I left, my parents asked me if "bad kids" would be at this concert (I find it ironic telling this part of the story considering that my parents most likely make up half the audience of this blog.) I told them that the kids who would be at the concert would not be "bad", they would just be kids you wouldn't likely run into in a church setting.

Even though I knew the kids at this concert would be perceived as "bad kids" by the greater society, I still don't think that prepared me fully for the night ahead. When I got there, I immediately smelled marijuana lingering in the air, and it only grew stronger as I walked toward the theater. There was a line of kids going around the building waiting to get in. I bought my ticket and took my place in line behind a guy who looked about 16 years old. He had dread locks and a black leather vest covered in metal spikes. He had a few patches on his pants as well, representing various bands. (One other guy, about the same age, came up to him and said, "I've never seen anyone else with a Goat Brigade patch, that's f**kin' awesome!") A few minutes later, the same spikey-vested kid turned and faced the wall, and pulled out a small pipe. He proceeded to smoke what was either some heroin or crystal meth.

Once I finally got into the theater, something struck me: this felt like the youth room at the church I'm currently working at. Granted, there were some major differences, but the overall feel was shockingly similar to a room at the church.

The first band came up, and I heard the lead vocalist address the crowd and say what I though was, "Hail Satan!"... It turns out I was right. He then proceeded to invite everyone in th crowd up on stage to have a prayer circle to Satan. What struck me was that these kids who most enthusiastically ran up on stage to join the band members only seemed excited to do so because it was the radical and rebellious thing to do. In a city like Corona, it's a safe bet to say that most of these kids came from conservative Christian households... the rebellion against such a setting would then understandably be to have a prayer circle for Satan.

The band then proceeded to play about six songs, all of which sounded the same and none of which I could hear or understand the words to. They ended with a "thank you" and one last "hail Satan", and the second band took the stage. One interesting thing about the second band, aside from their "musical stylings", was that their second (and most popular song) was called "Not a Part of Your Society". I wish I was able to hear the lyrics of the song and pull some meaning from them, but when they're being screamed through a microphone in much the same manner as the "temper-tantrum" scream of a toddler, it becomes difficult to discern what's being said.

While moshing had been occurring through every performance down in the mosh pit, I noticed during this song that there was one rather pretty girl down the mosh pit. She didn't look like she belonged there, and she was physically rougher than anyone in the pit. This didn't seem to fly right with the regulars, and I watched from a distance as she got a bit roughed up and her backpack torn.

I noticed the smell of the marijuana begin to linger inside the room this time, so after a few minutes I decided to step outside for some fresh air. The next thing I knew, the same girl who was roughed up in the mosh pit was thrown out of the theater by security. The right side of her face was covered in blood after taking a few punches. She was leaning up against the rail no more than a foot away from me, screaming and cussing and demanding to be let back into the club. She was surrounded by her friends, which shocked me - it would seem that associating yourself with this girl might get you thrown out of the theater as well. They didn't seem to care as much about getting themselves kicked out as much as caring about their friend and getting her cleaned up.

All this to say, I spent the evening with a group of kids who would traditionally be called "bad kids". But the thing is, I wasn't in any immediate danger. (Admittedly, I was in a situation where wisdom and discernment needed to be exercised, but I wouldn't say I was ever in a dangerous situation that night.) While I was there, I didn't feel a sudden urge to leave and get out of there... quite the contrary, my heart broke for these kids. As a result, I didn't want to leave; I wanted to be there more. These are the kids who have fallen through the cracks of the church. I know it, those kids know it, the greater society knows it... the only ones who have turned a blind eye to the abandonment of these teenagers is the church.

I want those kids in the church. Not to change them into people they don't want to be, not to conform them into the image of the upper-middle class white American church... but to simply love on them.

How do we show these kids the Jesus who dined with sinners and saved his sharpest criticism for religious leaders?

God wants these kids in the church.
He wants to transform them into the people they were meant to be,
to give them the lives they were meant to live,
to conform them into His image,
and to love them.

Who was Jesus?

I'll be honest... I have no idea how to start this post. That doesn't mean it's going to be a downer, there's just so many places to go with such a question. The short answer is this: I don't know.

I know that to be a Christian means to live with the conviction of who Jesus was and how He lived. But how can we live with that conviction if we fail to grasp who Jesus was and what exactly He did?

Jesus was a Jewish carpenter who thought about his religion in radically different ways; ways that eventually got him killed. He was a man who wept. He was a man who reached out beyond the social stigmas and touched lepers, dined with tax collectors, and spoke with prostitutes, more often than not at the cost of His ritual cleanness and religious reputation. He was a man who spoke with great authority. He was a man who taught in parables in circumstances that most teachers today would cause most teachers today to use the simplest terms possible. He was a man who called all kinds of people to follow him before they even knew who He was. He was a man who challenged those around him to rethink everything they thought they knew about faith, life, and the world around them.

I've called myself a follower of this man for several years now, and yet I can look back and see how often I've totally neglected who Jesus was and how he lived, and at times even spoke against certain aspects of the way I now know that He lived. I also look at myself now and wonder how much of what I do and believe and understand about the world around me in incongruent with who Jesus was and how He lived. I wouldn't say I worry about it, because God's gracious enough to love me in spite of whatever I may believe about Him... but I certainly hope that whatever inconsistency I may have with the life Jesus lived causes as little pain and divide in those who are looking for Jesus in me.

God either has a sense of humor or is a horrible judge of character when choosing who goes into ministry.

The Brain Fart of a Ministry Student

These two weeks have gone by rather quickly, but I suppose I have to choose between quantity and quality when it comes to posting.

One thing that's been on my mind the past few days has been the legitimacy of insight offered by non-Christians about how the Church is doing. Unfortunately, this insight is more often than not rejected as hateful criticism and ill-hearted judgment. Quite the contrary though, I think outsiders are some of the significant and unexpected modern-day prophets God could have possibly utilized in pointing out where the Church has and is falling short. One of these shortcomings is that the Church is more likely to voice opposition than support... We're known for what we're against rather than what we're for.

Take homosexuality for example. A recent national survey showed that 91% of outsiders view Christians as anti-homosexual. It saddens me that the word "tolerance" has become a four-letter word in evangelical circles, and that any mention of the word is often immediately and unknowingly mentally translated into blind acceptance and apathy.

I am probably going to seem very scattered for the next paragraph or so (if I don't already). I think the solution to our problem lies in the way we do evangelism. Recent years have led us to start from the point of our fallen nature. That's why nonbelievers are sinners who have fallen short of God's perfect standard and need to repent and accept Jesus in order to avoid the eternal torment of Hell. The problem with this approach is that we've forgotten a part of our story... our Creation. When we start from our fallenness, we forget that each and every person bears the Image of God, and God originally called us "very good". If we start from the point of Creation, the way we do evangelism looks radically different. There are then no inherently "bad people", and we begin to dine with prostitutes and tax collectors.

If we start from the point of Creation rather than the point of Fallenness, then the way we address issues such as homosexuality also looks radically different. We've been known up until this point for what we're against rather than what we're for. I'm for authentic, affirming, and holy sexuality. (By "holy", I mean "set apart"). I believe God designed this sexuality to take the form of heterosexual, monogamous, committed relationships within the context of a publicly acknowledged marriage. I'm not for anything that falls short of this God-designed form of sexuality, whether it be heterosexual or homosexual. I sympathize with those who struggle with same-sex attraction. I believe homosexuality is a distortion of the gift of sexuality that God has given us, and is reflective of our fallen nature. All sexual sin is especially destructive and cuts to the core of who we are.

That being said, I think we need to approach homosexuality and those who struggle with same-sex attraction with extreme compassion. I can think of nothing more difficult than finding out that my sexuality and affections are a distortion of God's design and that I need to change it. Let's not forget that people who struggle with same-sex attraction are still made in the Image of God and should be treated as such. The church needs to be a refuge for the world, not from the world, and I want people from all walks of life to feel like they're where they belong when they're within the walls of a church, no matter what they've done or struggle with. Something is wrong when the people who need Jesus most feel unwelcome by those claiming to represent Him.

Holy Moment

Yeah, I'm posting at 1:15 in the morning. I just got back from the night of prayer and worship that Josh and Ryan hosted. I'm sitting here trying to find the words to describe it, but how do you describe the experience of encountering the Living God? The music itself was beautifully simple, acoustic, and seemingly unstructured.

It's times like these that I wish my entire body could consist of only one part. I know that sounds weird, but when I hear beautiful music, I wish I was nothing more than an ear so I can experience the music with my entirety... when I'm looking at a sunset or a city scape or a small child playing, I wish I was my entire being was an eye so I could devote my entire self to the beautiful experience. I found myself wanting that tonight.

About half an hour into the music, I was watching this guy named Owen worship. I love Owen, Owen's a weird guy. I mean weird in the sense that I've never known anyone quite like Owen, and I'm sure I never will. He's genuinely caring, always smiling, and has a pure giggle that will escape every now and then during prayer and worship because he's overwhelmed by the goodness of the God he's addressing. Anyways, I was watching Owen lay on the floor worshiping with his eyes closed, just thinking of how much I see Jesus in him. No more than 10 seconds after I just start watching him, he sits straight up, and heads straight over to me. He says "Hey brother, the Spirit's telling me to pray for you."

That moment in time was the first time I truly understood, experienced, and believed in the activity of the Holy Spirit. Of course, I believe in the activity of the Spirit theologically... it's biblical. And I can point to countless times where the Spirit worked and I recognized it in hindsight, but this was the first time I genuinely understood the Holy Spirit and how He works.

I don't know what more to say. Tonight's worship experience was the holiest moment I've experienced at APU hands down, and I look forward to similar events in the future.

Encouraging Notes For A Downer Like Me

I don't know anyone who isn't mildly critical of the institutional church... I'm probably more so than most, admittedly. (Unfortunately, it's been at times to the point that it's entirely distracted me from the purpose of going to/being the church). There's a new book out from the Barna Group (a marketing research firm that actively studies the state of the church and church-goers) called Pagan Christianity.

The book outlines how the majority of practices and traditions of the institutional church are actually pagan traditions and not biblically based. The authors eventually went on to argue that because of these, the institutional church does not, historically or biblically, have the right to exist. I don't know that I would go so far (one probable explanation is that the president of the Barna Group is a Biola graduate. ;-) ). In reading a brief review of the book, I came across a very encouraging quote from Eugene Peterson (again, not sure I entirely agree with it, but it's an interesting analogy).

What other church is there besides institutional? There's nobody who doesn't have problems with the church, because there's sin in the church. But there's no other place to be a Christian except the church. There's sin in the local bank. There's sin in the grocery stores. I really don't understand this naïve criticism of the institution. I really don't get it. Frederick von Hugel said the institution of the church is like the bark on the tree. There's no life in the bark. It's dead wood. But it protects the life of the tree within. And the tree grows and grows. If you take the bark off, it's prone to disease, dehydration, death. So, yes, the church is dead but it protects something alive. And when you try to have a church without bark, it doesn't last long. It disappears, gets sick, and it's prone to all kinds of disease, heresy, and narcissism. (Eugene Peterson)

It's refreshing to hear that people are remembering that the church is protecting and ensuring the well-being of something larger than herself, and that we're not allowing the church to be a strictly self-serving entity.

I love the church for it's potential, and for what it points people toward... not for what it is today.

I don't regret it

I was on my way home from work last night, driving in the left lane next to the carpool lane. It was getting pretty dark by this point. As I'm driving, there's a black car in the carpool lane just in front of me... slowly but surely, he drifts over the double-yellow, right into my lane (not even a signal, mind you). I decide to show my disapproval for his driving by flashing my brights (I don't think honking is appropriate these days). Well, I flashed my brights, and he didn't like that, so he flashed his brights back at me...

The only problem is, his brights were red and blue. He was a cop in an unmarked vehicle.

After that, he drifted over one more lane (again, without signaling). I didn't appreciate being intimidated by the red and blue (and maybe it was just my late-night stubbornness), so I slowly passed him, making sure it wasn't fast enough to get pulled over, and as I passed him, I stared him down. He stared me down too. In hindsight, that was probably one of the dumbest things I've done in a while.

But I had to stand up for... something. Anyways, it was dumb in hindsight, and I probably wouldn't do it again, but for some reason (maybe only the lack of consequences), I don't regret it.

You Know You're In College When...

You know you're in college when you sell your blood to pay for your Valentine's Day date...

That being said, I'm in college.

Speaking of college, I graduate in 14 months... that's a scary thought. In 14 months, I face a major crossroad in life. Fortunately, there are some doors opening up for me. Keegan (my former youth pastor and future internship supervisor) outlined his vision for my internship next year which leaves the door open for a full time staff position almost immediately after I graduate. Of course there's no guarantee with something visionary like that, but it offers some hope that after I graduate, my cardboard-box house will have two bedrooms instead of one.

There's also a ministry in Chicago that's been on my heart for about 2 1/2 years now. The ministry is called Emmaus, and they are a street ministry that exists to reach out the male prostitutes of Chicago who are ostracized even by the mainstream homeless community. They offer one-year full-time internships which provide room and board while living in an intentional Christ-centered community with the other interns. I can't think of a ministry that has been laying on my heart as much as this one while being as radically removed from my comfort zone as possible.

Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as You choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Pirating the Bible

The nice thing about have such a small (if not entirely nonexistent) reader base is that I can get a little idealistic instead of worrying about who's reading.

The main thing that's been on my mind for a past few days is copyright law, especially in Christian circles (mainly, should it exist at all?) See, intellectual property is, in all respects, the "oil" of the 21st century... the more you stake your claim in now, the more money (and consequently, power) you stand to gain in the future.

I should probably preface this before I continue, so the two people who read this don't think I've lost my mind, by saying that I've just been wrestling with this, and don't necessarily hold every reflection that I type as a personal conviction and belief.

So, onto my youthful idealism... St. Augustine said in his Confessions that the truth belongs to no man, but to God. I've been wondering recently, in light of such a statement, what implications that would have for Christian copyright holders. If all theologians are striving for the same Truth, and that truth belongs to God and God alone, should theologians be concerned with preventing others from plagiarizing "their" work? Should certain translations of the Bible really be copyrighted (i.e. Zondervan and the NIV)? Maybe the elimination of such copyright laws would weed out the authors and publishers who write for the sole purpose of making money.

The same goes for worship songs... at what point is the music artist more important than the God who the song was supposedly written for?

If I wanted to be painfully idealistic, I would extend such a proposal to secular copyright holders... But I think it's a bit hard for the Church to change the world when, in many ways, we're not so different (meaning, we've got ideals for the world to transform into, but very few tangible differences to offer)... and staking our claim in our intellectual property is one way the Church isn't too different from the rest of the world.

I had a few other unrelated thoughts, but I'm just going to save them for a later post.

Learning the Old

I think I'm beginning to develop an appreciation for the King James Version of the bible. I've got friends who are quick to point out the numerous errors of the KJV that arose from the translation process and what modern scholars know about linguistics and whatnot... but my interest in the version hasn't developed from it's accuracy (if that were the case, nobody should read anything but the NASB).

I think I've come to appreciate the KJV for its sheer literary beauty. Different translations serve different functions for me... the NASB is accurate for a direct Greek-English translation, the Message is great for casual reading and being able to imagine the setting, and the KJV restores the beauty to God's Word that I think it deserves. Even H.L. Mencken, an early 20th century atheist literary critic had this to say about the KJV:

"It is the most beautiful of all the translations of the Bible; indeed, it is probably the most beautiful piece of writing in all the literature of the world."

I don't really have much else to say about my newfound fondness of the King James Version. Instead, I would just encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 13, sometimes referred to as the "Love Chapter"...

1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Where is it, God?

I would encourage anyone reading this to read Psalm 89 in its entirety. The author, Ethan the Ezrahite, starts off with these words of adoration and worship to God:

1 I will sing of the Lord’s unfailing love forever!
Young and old will hear of your faithfulness.
2 Your unfailing love will last forever.
Your faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens.

Pretty compelling words. It almost seems as though Ethan wrote this at a spiritual highpoint when everything must have been right in his world. For 52 verses, the psalmist praises God for His faithfulness and steadfast love. But as you skip ahead down to verse 49, you see Ethan cry out to God.

49 Lord, where is your unfailing love?
You promised it to David with a faithful pledge.

After all his praise, after all that, the psalmist goes on to say "I need it again God, where is it?" His grace is unfailing and steadfast, but we still need it again and again. He's promised it to us, and His record is spotless... but we still cry out for it every now and then because we need a taste of God's love just one more time. "I need it again God... I need You to be faithful one more time."