Friday, April 3, 2009

Playing Catch-up

It never ceases to amaze me when I discover that it's been over a month since I last updated this thing. I have to say, a lot has happened since my last post... some good, some bad. My friends and I got the house we really wanted (unless it falls through last minute, but let's hope it doesn't). I graduate in four weeks, one month (before which I have to finish my systematic theology paper, the last 2/3 of my senior thesis, and countless other menial tasks)... then off into the excellent job market, ha! It's a bit crazy though, I've lost both of my minimum-wage jobs (one of which paid me less than minimum wage, but I won't get into that), and I'm staring down the barrel of life after college. Fortunately, I have my internship with Emmaus lined up, so I've got a year before I have to panic. Ironically, I turned down a six-figure income a couple weeks ago, and it's been on my mind ever since. It would have required me to abandon my internship in Chicago to sell cars... like that's gonna happen. The funny thing is, the offer will most likely still be on the table when I return from Chicago, but I'll figure that out when the time comes.

All that is pretty much pointless though. I have to say, some of the things I've encountered the past two weeks have made me acutely aware of the brokenness around me. One girl told me about how she was raped, and an hour later another friend of mine told me he might have HIV. Today as I was driving home from work, after picking up what is likely my last paycheck, I saw a middle-aged woman standing on the corner with a makeshift sign made from an old Fed-Ex box... on it was the picture of an adorable baby girl, with the words "Burial Fund" scrawled across the top. Normally I'm not too moved by people asking for handouts on the street corner, but this broke my heart. I parked the car near the closest ATM and withdrew my last $20 before depositing my last paycheck, and went to meet the woman. The girl's name was Erica. She had pneumonia, and the doctors forgot to turn her over, so she drowned in the fluid in her own lungs... 18 months old. The funeral costs would be $4,000, and this woman, Erica's grandmother, had no choice but to stand on the street corner collecting dollar bills from passersby.

I don't know why things like this happen, and I hate knowing that from a theological or pastoral standpoint, there is no answer. I suppose that if there was an answer, Erica's death wouldn't be the tragedy that it is... maybe it's supposed to be tragic. Maybe having the answers would cheapen or belittle the sorrow people experience when they are raped, or diagnosed with life-threatening illness, or lose their 18-month-old granddaughter.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

After a Month of Silence

I realized that I haven't posted anything here in over a month, partly because I don't know what to say, and partly because I haven't had time (to be honest, neither of those deterrents have ceased, so I don't know why I'm writing this either).

I was officially accepted to Emmaus a little over a week ago, and I honestly feel better and better about participating in that ministry as time goes on. Everything I truly value theologically can be found at this ministry, including a few things I didn't even know how much I valued until I was challenged with them during my interview process.

I've got a lot of small things on my mind right now that I want to get off my chest - things about how much I'm learning in Systematic Theology, my frustrations with having only a minor in Theology, my frustrations with the Youth Ministry major, busyness between school and work, my exhaustion, my future, my job at the church, girl stuff, etc. All things I'm probably just too proud to vent about, although I hide my silence behind the guise of my busyness.

Anyways, there's a poem I keep coming back to called Flower, from a collection called Gitanjali...

Pluck this little flower and take it, delay not!
I fear lest it droop and drop into the dust.
It may not find a place in Thy garland,
but honor it with a touch of pain from Thy hand and pluck it.
I fear lest the day end before I am aware,
and the time of offering go by.
Though its color be not deep and its smell be faint,
use this flower in Thy service and pluck it while there is time.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Emmaus Visit, Part 2

I've got only 9 minutes before I leave for the airport, but I thought I'd post a quick update. I went to about 4 interviews yesterday with different staff members, each charged with asking me a different set of questions (about coping with stress, community living, etc.) They all went pretty well for the most part. It seems to all be coming down to whether I am willing to sign a statement saying a "believe, agree with, and fully support" their position paper on homosexuality. It's a topic that I've been wrestling with, so I explained to them that I'm reluctant to sign my theological convictions away (not that I agree or disagree with their position yet, but I'm in process). I'm more than willing to submit to their theological position during my time here so that I can serve the guys.

In a way I feel caught between wanting to be only halfway honest on the application, and between letting my "integrity" get in the way of me showing the redeeming love of Jesus to the most broken and hurting group of people I've encountered...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Emmaus Visit, Part 1

So, I just got back from my first official interview with Emmaus in Chicago, and it was with the director of Outreach Ministries. The interview consisted of, well, outreach. We went to all the local hangouts, and I met two male prostitutes and three transvestites, and heard all kinds of horror stories, most likely them testing my boundaries and trying to elicit a shock response from me. Despite the fact that it was entirely different from anything I've ever been comfortable doing, and the fact that I was out several hours past my West-Coast bedtime, I had a great time. The lives these people have led are diametrically opposed to the life I've lived, and both of us know that, so there's no pressure to find common ground. Honesty, transparency, and authenticity are valued among this ostracized community, and that's greatly comforting to me, knowing that there's very little I could probably find in common with them.

I found this quote extremely relevant tonight.

"Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell; I wish to run a rescue mission within a yard of hell." -- C.T. Studd

More updates tomorrow...